My Little Love is 6 Months Old!

May these words be the first to find your ears: 

The world is brighter than the sun now that you’re here.
Though your eyes will need some time to adjust to the overwhelming light surrounding us.

I’ll give you everything I have. I’ll teach you everything I know. I promise I’ll do better.
I will always hold you close, but I will learn to let you go.
I promise I’ll do better.
I will soften every edge, I’ll hold the world to its best, and I’ll do better.
With every heartbeat I have left I will defend your every breath, and I’ll do better.

’Сause you are loved. You are loved more than you know.
I hereby pledge all of my days to prove it so.
Though your heart is far too young to realize the unimaginable light you hold inside.

Light  /  Sleeping At Last

Little Miss E Is 5 Months Old

I edited these and write this as she sleeps in the room next to me, it is her room now. I have a big 5 month old, with her own room. The first night she spent over there my heart weighed heavy. She seemed to far away. My ears were tuned for any peep made, and those first couple of nights she slept right through until day break, and so did I. The sleep is something to be grateful for, don't get me wrong but even after a month I lay in bed readying my self for sleep and I miss her.

I had so many people during my pregnancy tell me to soak it all in, specifically because they missed it and wished for it back. I smiled politely and roled my eyes internally because I weighed 20+ pounds more, couldn't get through grocery store aisles if someone else was in them, and couldn't sleep on my back, stomach or even my right side, so no thank you lady, I won't be wishing this back. (Side note: through all of that was the most amazing adventure and I wouldn't change a moment of it for the world). Do not get me wrong I don't agree with those crazies, even still but I do miss one thing, and this month is the first month it has really hit me. I miss her nearness. She was always there. I never had to leave her with my momma or B when I go off to sessions or weddings, she would just come with. Even simpler I never had to sleep without her near. I am so glad I get to kiss her toes, snuggle into those big chubby cheeks, and see her smiles. But let me tell you leaving her behind brings tears to my eyes every time.

This past month I heard two of the most beautiful noises I have ever heard. The first was at the beginning of the month, I woke up to this little voice in the other room. It made me smile and I just stood outside still groggy and sleepy but my heart was singing at the noise coming from that bed. We most often hear in in the morning or when she has a hand in her mouth but she also coos and squeaks while I play worship music in the car. It is pretty adorable. The second noise I heard only last week as I was tickling neck. She gave me the biggest belly laugh that was full of tickles and joy. Moment of honesty, I cried. I literally burst out into tears of pure joy, it was such a moment. The best of moments so far.

So that is pretty much month five! Lots of emotions, so much love and tons of fun to spend everyday with E and welcome papa home from work with big smiles and lots of smooches.

My Four Month Old Little Miss

I still can not believe that she is here, and that it has already been four months. When she wakes up and she sees my face, or B's, she gives the biggest, brightest smile I have ever seen. Her giggles are starting to come more frequently and much easier, and it is the greatest sound that I have ever heard. She loves to stand and although she is quiet and doesn't coo much she takes everything in and is always looking at who is talking or what is making the noises closest to her.

I still look at her and can't believe she is real. I hold her close and try to take in every detail of her little body and how it fits so perfectly snuggled into my arms. I am not afraid for her to get bigger, I look forward to each day as she grows right before my eyes. I dream of our future as a family and the fun we will have as we go on our adventures and even as we stay home in the quit and mundane.

I so often I look into her big blue eyes and see her papa and it melts me. I love that he is who I see when I look at our little human.

I pray for her to be compassionate, humble, discerning and passionate. God has a plan for her life, and it is an honor, even only after four months, to be her human... her momma.

To read more about our life click here.

The Birth Of Evelyn

There I was, sitting at my 42 week appointment and talking about scheduling an induction so we would have our baby before the new year. I saw the sense in the decision but it wasn't the way I had planned it. It didn't sit perfectly well with me. I knew this would change every aspect of my birth and so, with an induction date of December 30th, I prayed that my baby would come soon. Very soon.

 Two days before I was induced I was experiencing contractions along with a sore throat, nasal congestion and stomach ache. A sleepless night followed with my phone in hand and my contraction counter app on. But they weren't consistent and weren't getting any closer. They stopped the next day for an hour so I called the nurse and she said it was false labor and probably because I was dehydrated from my cold. "Drink water and rest,” she said. I cried. I was tired, and sick. I grabbed a heating pad, a fresh box of Kleenex and the exercise ball before heading to the room. Contractions started again 2 hours later and another sleepless night followed. I breathed through every contraction and slept in between. At 5 o'clock I called in for our induction and as soon as I got off the phone I had the most extreme contraction yet, overwhelming all my senses. I knew I wouldn't make it the entire day as I was not only achy from my fever and cold but also worn out from the lack of sleep.

 I knew that when we had decided to be induced that I was giving up everything I had hoped for during this birth. It wouldn't be drug free, I wouldn't be able to give my babe the fresh, new, clean start to life that my heart had ached for her to have. As soon as there was any intervention I would no longer be able to trust my body or the signs that I needed to stay away from pain medication. I was sick, dehydrated, and sleepless. I was afraid if I tried it would end in a C section because I didn't have very much physical strength left. My fear stopped me from trying.

On that freezing Monday morning we walked into the hospital. I got into my own gown and got IV'd up. Throughout the next few hours I went through four bags of fluid, which was a sign of extreme dehydration, and a bag of penicillin for the GBS which I had tested positive for. I was checked and was already at 5. I had gotten to 5 on my own! My heart sang. When the nurse offered me an epidural, I knew my answer was yes and I slept. They tried to start a little bit of pitocin but the baby's heart beat went up. After several hours my temperature rose as well and concern grew for me and the baby. Tylenol was given, my temperature went back down... I fell asleep again. I woke to feeling pressure which was so encouraging. We labored down, and then started a tiny bit of pitocin again, in hopes of seeing this baby soon.

At eight I started to push. I pushed on my side, on my back, then on my side again. Suddenly baby's heart beat went up and there was concern. My fever came back and oxygen was given to me. Forty five minutes and E's heart beat hit 200 during a push and the nurse told me to relax. She left the room. "The doctor will be here soon and he will either do a vacuum or a C section." I was determined to get this babe out before they could do either of those. I gathered every bit of energy I had and pushed.
I convinced myself I was making amazing progress and that maybe I had changed their minds. The doctor finally arrived, he watched  and then decided we would be doing a vacuum. I felt defeated. My heart broke, I was shaking and I couldn't stop the tears. I had come so far, and I was thankful (even in that moment) that I wouldn't be going into surgery, but this was too much for me to handle. B held me, told me it would be okay, we were close, she was almost here. This was going to be it. Either way I was moments away, and I held onto this thought. It was enough, to knew I would see her soon. The next few minutes went by so quickly, I didn't hear or know what was really going on. I just pushed.

I felt the moment she left me and then saw her in all her perfect beauty. These tears were tears of overwhelming joy. I took in every inch of her in those few moments. I stole one glance at B and saw him beaming. I have no words that fully express how I felt but know that at that moment it didn’t matter how we gotten there. I would have done it again for this little life that I held. I would do anything because she was our new everything.

Only minutes passed and the room began to spin. I couldn't see straight and I felt as if my insides were going to come up. Everything inside me wanted to hold her longer and I told myself to calm down, but I couldn't shake the feeling and lost focus. I frantically searched for B who was a foot away and begrudgingly handed her off. Seeing him hold her was a beautiful sight and the next best thing to her being in my arms. I tried to relax and knew I would be able to hold her as soon as things calmed down. Or so I had thought.

I was thrown into confusion when the new nurses came in and spoke of taking her to the NICU. We had agreed that she wouldn't leave the room, that I would get to have her, that I could watch her, feed her, even give her a bath. Now, however, they were taking her from me. This would be the first time in 9 months this little life wouldn’t be near me. Apart of me was missing. Our guests in the waiting room could only see her through daddy's arms and for 10 minutes. They waited for me to be stitched up, weighed her cute chubby body at 9lb. 9oz. and then let B take her out as I watched from the bed. Grandma's and grandpa's were in love and amazed at her tinniness and her perfection, and it all seemed so perfect.

As quickly as it had all happened he then handed her over to the nurses and they whisked her away, my little lovie, to sit in a bassinet alone, without a momma or a papa near. She had a fever and they were concerned she was infected. Her tiny body would be connected to IV's and she would get four doses and be in there for 48 hours until test results came back. I felt so broken, so defeated, so weak, and so helpless. All I could do was wonder why. Why had this happened? Why did I get sick, why wasn't I strong enough, why did her entrance into the world have to be so rough, imperfect, and unplanned?

I didn't have enough strength to get out of bed until early the next morning. I got to hold her, feed her and take in her scent. She filled me up, and I realized that as I held her I healed. That the feelings of not being good enough and not trying hard enough and the anger at God and my surroundings that things didn't go my way were fading because of her presence. She was apart of me but torn away through birth so to hold her again was to complete me. And every time after I felt more complete. The next 36 hours were spent sleeping, eating, and holding her in the NICU, right across the hallway. The next day when she came into our room I saw a peek into what our family now looked like as B held her and we lived in that moment. It was perfection.

I still remember every detail, every feeling and every moment of the birth but standing away from it and looking back I see it differently every day. Daily God shows me what it is that He can teach me through this storm. He is good, and so we give our lives to show His glory. And this will show His glory my friends.
Tears begin to flow when I think of how much I blamed Him instead of drew from His strength during that time. He was there, and I know that He was and always is my strength, my fortress, my cornerstone. Instead of reading that labor book or the blogs on birth I know now that I should have been in His word and presence. There is no peace or rest in worry. Trusting in Him is greater then any birth plan.

My sister and I have started a new study called Restless by the amazing Jennie Allen. Three chapters in God spoke through her straight to my heart, and as I read tears streamed down my face. She writes this as she is sitting next to her best friend, in the hospital. Her best friend is a mother to three, in the midst of a divorce and now so close to death. In the midst of this Jenny cries out, "God, evil bows to you and yet it seems to be flooding us. And this darkness bends to somehow reflect your glory, but oh, the cost feels so high." And in the midst of this storm, in the midst of my storm and yours this is God's reply:

"I have forgotten nothing. And I am not passive about my approach to this problem.
I deal. I deal with this sickness and pain and death.
I do not forget. I bleed out for this.
So as you walk past me on that cross, into a room that feels out of control and full of suffering, don't see a weak, distant, forgetful God.
You see a God who tells oceans where to stop and a God who tells evil where to stop.
You see a God who bleeds out for those you hurt for.
You see a God who suffered first. I AM with you.And I have a plan here."

And I was floored, tears streaming down my face I felt His amazing grace and His unending, undeserving love flood me.

I believe, my friends, when we sit in front of our God and we are filled with so many questions to ask He will reveal His glory, how awesome and amazing He is and how His hand was holding us up during our struggles, our trials, and our storms. We will stand in awe and amazement at his pure and perfect love for us.

I was reading my blog post announcing the conception of our Evelyn, the other day and read this:

"As I sat in the shower one morning praying over my belly, over a 6 week old baby, tears ran down my face as I told God that above all I want His glory to be shown through this little life. That no matter what that meant for me as a mom or B as a dad we are here to show His glory. We simply can not understand a God so big, mighty and wonderful. We give up our rights to control every moment of this little life, and will guide it in the ways that our parents guided us."

 I asked for it and prayed for it, and know that our God is faithful even when I am not. He has already and will continue to write our story into one that will show His glory.

I want to share one final quotes from Restless:

"So might He pour our lives out in difficult ways? Yes. But He is the God of planets and my soul. He gave everything for us. So I will entrust my entire life to no one else."

I have decided to share this part of our story. I have a conviction to share. The only way for my humanity to understand why I went through this is that it was meant to be shared, because hopefully it will encourage. It took me weeks to write, and then a few more weeks to even hit the word PUBLISH but I just know that it is supposed to be out here so thank you for letting me share it and thank you for reading.

xo.

Birth photography by the wonderful Joanna Day.

E Is Three Months Old

There isn't anyone in the world who brightens at the mere sight of my face like she does.
You almost think she is going to explode with pure joy, and it does my heart so much good.

I can't believe I am a momma to a 3 month old. A little girl who coo's and talks back to me. She sleeps through the night, from 10/11 pm until 5/6 am - it is a wonderful change and I am so thankful for it. She hass started to grab for things and get's her tiny fingers wrapped around my hair, necklaces and shirts. If you put her bunny near her she grabs for her and pulls her near, still nuzzling into it for nap time. She sees her toes but has yet to grab them, but to watch her stare down at them is a sight to see.

We started using a wrap so that I could wear her more often this month. I had purchased a couple of different types. The sling wrap just isn't right for us quite yet, but I believe that once she starts sitting on her own she will like that one. I also tried a k'tan but I believe I don't have the right "shape" for this sling, because you can't really customize it. I need it to be tighter around the belly and looser around the chest... Mine was too tight around the chest. So I bought a Solly Wrap, and we are in love! The fabric = perfectly wonderful, it is easy to wrap once you do it 2-3 times, and she loves it. Plus it is nice and compact once you fold it, so I can slide it in my bag no matter where we go, the k'tan is pretty bulky. My plan is to use the wrap once we head to India (when E is one), so I want to make sure she loves it and knows no other way!

Our biggest challenge, or should I say mine, was being away from her for 12 hours. I had my first wedding of the season this past weekend. The day was beautiful, the couple was adorable, they were surrounded by people who loved and adored them so needless to say it was a wonderful place to be. But getting into the car, and driving away that morning was tough. I am a softy through and through and tears fell a few times as I drove towards the wedding location. But when I got home I got to hold her, feed her and kiss her goodnight, I really am so lucky to be able to be home so much with her and still work. First time is the hardest, or I sure hope it is...

This months pictures were posed and set up. I took her to the studio, with the help of grandma, and we stuck big tissue flowers on the wall. The tissue flowers were from the shower my sister, sister-in-law and friends threw for her while she was in my tummy. My SIL spent hours making them so I wanted to make sure we put them to good use and will remember them forever. I made her white dress from handkerchiefs that were my grandma's and a flour sack. She smiled a little and was perfectly content for the few minutes I needed her to be then she fell fast asleep. I couldn't have asked for better.